I relish in the deep that consumes me....entirely. You. I'm enveloped. I'm surrounded. I'm drowning. I'm complacent. I'm at peace. Though my mind wages this war. I can't seem to win either of these battles. I can't come out on top with you. And so this suffocation seems my only alternative. I've seen your smile like a diamond in the sun. And I've seen your body come to life beneath my fingertips. But I've never seen the complete insides of your soul. And I've never known the complete emptiness until you weren't there. My brain becomes this wild ocean with tides for thoughts. And I'm swimming against the current. And swallowing my own curse. The horizon is worlds away. Your voices is trapped in time. I'm walking an endless maze. Hoping to find you at this end. But hopes are vanity. And walking is mandatory.
What do I do with this? This new feeling burning my skin and threatening to tear through. Where will I hide it now. And where will I hide you? The sleeves are too obvious and the heart is too near. The hands are not trustworthy, but the eyes are full of fear. Carry this around like a huge fate laced weight. Which never tells me which direction and gives this conflicted state. I need you right here. But I don't know that you can fit. Your needs are blurring and running together so you don't know what will stick. So let nature take it's course and hope it doesn't destroy us while we wait. I never felt it feel like this as the world around us quakes. Don't know which way I want it to go. But as long as it comes my way. I'll tear my heart open and let you see inside before I rot away

Feeling sorta: confident

I miss you. I miss you down to every miniscule and grueling detail. Every great big thing I miss. And every tiny little breath I miss. I miss your smile. And the way your smile would grow when you saw me smile. I miss making you laugh about something so small. But we laughed for hours. I miss telling you calm down, and it working. I miss writing you letters and hiding them in your purse. And I miss you writing in my notebook. That meant alot. I miss watching your hands fumbling around when you were looking for things you hid from yourself. I miss when you would just say "wuzup" and I knew we were friends first and foremost. Or when we said those words. And I had to stop and think. And I was overwhelmed because I realized I really meant it. I miss walking behind you and thinking......well you know what I would think. And then you would turn around and admonish me.....and smile....and tell me to walk beside you. And I miss that. I miss texting you all night long. And falling in and out of sleep. Or waiting for break and becoming impatient. Or waiting when you were mad and wondering if you wouldn't that night. And bursting at the seams when you did anyway. Because it seemed like we could work anything out. And I miss that. I miss making love to you. I miss kissing you and touching the roof of your mouth with my tongue. I miss you biting me, and awakening all of my senses. I miss feeling whole with you. Miss being enveloped by you. I miss the frosting. I miss being inside of you. And sitting there afterwards looking in your eyes and rubbing your sides. And I miss looking into your eyes and feeling like I was seeing the insides of your soul. And you looked back. And then you would smile. And I miss that particular smile the most. I miss driving you places and finding out that you didn't too much like to drive. I miss midnight escapades. I miss laying with you. I miss the way you would rub your feet together. I miss putting my arm around you when you were asleep and this noise you would make of utter contentment. And the way you would grab my hand and press it against your chest. Or the way you would mumble and snore. Or the way you were so warm. And would scoot [lol] up against my back. And make me warm and put your arm around me when were spooning. And I miss spooning you and smelling you. And you complaining that you smelled like cigarettes. But never knowing what I smelled. I miss that smell. It's fading off your shirt. And I'm hungry for more. I miss when you would wake up refreshed and complacent. And sometimes irritated that I let you sleep so long. But you know I couldn't help it. Because you were tired and looked like an angel cocooned in the covers with your head tucked in. You were totally relaxed and I couldn't disturb your comfort. And I miss watching you look like that while I lit candles and wrote at my desk. I miss cooking for you. I miss eating with you. I miss lasagna. I miss being at restaurants and making fun of other couples like we were so perfect. I miss fighting over the bill. And sometimes giving in. And the one time when I tricked you and said I just wanted to see it. I miss being in your company or hanging with the gits. And them telling me too many stories too fast. Especially you know who.... I miss little specific things about them that I won't say. I miss cupaking you. And when I would get angry when other people would try to. I miss wondering how to get closer without seeming obvious. I miss losing at video games. Even though I don't know that I lost....j/k. I miss giving you massages and touching your stomach....cause you said you never let anyone else. I miss pulling you around and holding you down because I'm stronger than you. I miss listening to the same songs, and incorporating them to our lives. I miss sitting in the truck in the dark. Smoking. Talking. Kissing. Looking at the hearts on the roof. Holding hands. Hoping time would stop for us. And it seemed to for awhile. I miss telling you secrets and you telling me yours. I miss you taking your hair and me scratching your scalp. You seemed to love that. I miss trying to seduce you at all the wrong times. I miss the way your eyes looked when you were high. I miss hour long conversations. I thinking I would never be bored of you. I miss telling my friends dumb shit about you. And bragging like I thought you were all mine. All the while keeping the secret. And telling them I was gonna marry you one day. And I miss what I made for you. But I still am....gonna marry you someday.

Just don't know me anymore. Just go back in time. No need to apologize for these realizations. Just know the fault was all mine. I'm terrified of the snow and smoking. Traumatized by these games you left. And fuck these stars that are mocking me. And fuck my timeless naivete. Just don't know I'm barely breathing. Just don't know I'm laying here. Openly bleeding and gutted for show. Monument to tears. You don't need to know. Just don't see me bruised and damaged and lascerated. I don't hurt too bad. Don't have the thoughts like me burrowing in deep, with the nerves they drag. Just don't know the seconds or minutes you gave. Don't see your wasted time. Because I'll have an eternity to replay them like a skipping filmstrip in my mind. Please make it worthwhile. Please make it quick. Starts in my head with a sharpening prick. Please tear it loose. Please leave it alone. Please ring it out. Please take it home. Just don't forget I don't need it. Just don't forget to throw it away. Don't watch it shrivel up and die. Just don't want it, just don't ask why. And I'm fake and hollow. I'm put away. I'm back in the garden there's nothing to say. And no way to speak. Not that speaking makes a change. Just make sure I'm out of your sight. Just don't think this is strange. Just don't see me here. Just don't know that I'm waiting. Or the wallpaper peeling back and rumpled at the floor. The paint chipping and the walls caving. I'll be buried in this stupor. Just don't see me dying in this position. I'll be suffocated by dawn. Just don't know I'm in this condition. I inhaled you in the morning. I've slept on you at night. And now I'm on the rim on the trash can wondering whether or not you want another bite. Just don't see my insides carved out for you. Just don't see unrelenting pain. Forgetting my eerie and mushy words should be just as easy as my name. Just don't see my tired fingers at the ends of these staggering hands. Desperate for your touch, desperate to touch you. Like a desert full of sand. Better back up some and take a good hard look at this. Before you make a crazy decision-this one isn't hit or miss. Too mnay different outcomes swirling around in your head. Too many possibilities weighing you down like lead. Couldn't say the right thing that would quell your fear. So now I'm under this reading lamp....now I'm sitting here. Just don't see my head bowed to the concrete. Don't see the salt water underneath. And don't see these things streaking my face, just turn over a new leaf. Cause I'm wondering is this real. And don't see me bawled up under the covers with your shirt. Don't remember looking in my eyes. Then you won't know that it hurt. I have memories engrained in my skin. Wishing for yours to make it complete again.

Feeling sorta: apathetic

You're like this craving I can't seem to satisfy. I never taste enough of you on my tongue to pacify...............Once I was a slave to my desperation. My yearning. My human nature. The primal urge to obtain something that to this day still seems so far away. Unable to catch this thing that is all of you. The heart I've tried to carry is breaking my back. And with every single step the spirit is ghostly and uncertain. I've been reaching only for it to disappear. Pulling back my hands then once again it's near. I've before touched this illusion of you. Never have my fingertips felt so alive. Sparking with the energy of emotion that was foreign before. And never have I wanted so to grasp something that wasn't there. But maybe seeing wasn't believing. Because I could feel it. And what i felt was too powerful not to believe. Even as that thing I longed to grab loomed in and out of reach. The mind was mabye too censored. Too closed I couldn't share. There were so many revelations baying at the dam. Yours weren't like mines tragically parted with nothing coming out. Partially open with teeth for locks. Can't get in. But somehow already there and trapped. My dreams are the only perfect places left, because they're full of you. Your words strewn in the seams of my brain. Can't make sense of the thoughts but daring to know more. Like a battered little sailboat and determined to push from shore. But still too far from the other end of the ocean. Still too far from all of you. You're the stars in my sky, but my days are unbearable. The sunlight scorches me. Reality severes my soul. Creating a terrible hunger and I starve for you. And these pieces of the puzzle epitomize endless treasure, but still wouldn't do. I would need everything that you can't give. I'd have to have the entire puzzle to live. Every breath, every smile, every touch. I've needed it all and I've needed too much. Your image is elusive your effects are apparent. I can't recognize myself anymore. I can only see what you've done to me.

Feeling sorta: drunk

You have to start them small and slow. Build up your momentum then let them go. Awry. This way and that. Reeling you out of your fantasy and dreamlike trance. Back onto the dirty carpet, with it rubbing the palms of your hands. Begging you not to think this time. Down on your knees trapped in sublime. Til you're gasping for air. And flopping around on the floor. You have to start them determined and quiet. Concentrated and then you release. Watching as the patterns intersect like a sick kaleidoscope of indignity. That fracture your eyelids, while prying them open. Poisoning them then laying them out to dry. And then you're back to the floor and the humiliation there. And your clothes are torn from the misguided wear. But your nerves kick into high gear. And you read it upside down and inside out. Trying to make sense of all this doubt. But laying lifeless on the floor is so much easier. Wet hands and a straw are a mouths best friends. The cool night air seems much simplier. So the window is open but not your heart. You have to start these cold and weightless. Like the flutters of maybe thoughts. And when they emerge you see them as far as they can be taken. And when they're gone you lay there shaking. Shredding the pillows and burning the sheets. Because the floor is for them-not for your sleep. They'll tear out your tongue if you're trying to eat. I couldn't run so no use for feet. You have to start these on a breath. Because when you exhale maddening is left. Turns down the corners of your lips. You're afraid you're too close to it. You back up and you're wilting. A fine line divides your sanity. A fine crime against humanity.

Feeling sorta: ashamed

It's eyes filled in green. Can't see through this haze. Clouded by it's immaturity. Helplessness dictating a lovesick phase. Kinda like shoved in a corner. Kinda like a make shift costume. Too late for the hideout, where the rattling noises are. Too soon to get any closer. And too late to be too far. Mere hours from that most incredible thing that feeds you life. With hits cut out and lined on the table. When your fingers are too tired but your lungs are ever able. Wait for it and smile when it completes your soul. Then on your knees retching where it leaves you with a gaping hole. Can read it like betrayal tracing your eyes. But resistance causes an even deeper despair. Backed up against the wall with withdrawls pulling out my hair. Careful to skim around the edges and inches back to you. Then crawls away into the corner waiting for something new. Puts on the clown make up and breaks all the mirrors. Then smiles behind ducts full of tears. Buries the pages of the past wondering why you can't diagnose it's fear. Kinda like a puppet. Kinda like a steep hill. And the wheels turning dangerously. And speed allied to destroy the wired legs wandering aimlessly. Seen it written on your lips in a velvety luscious hand. Seen it burning in your thoughts with a deadly iron brand. Seen it tearing through your skin with curiously acute direction. But felt it stabbing in my chest with a contagious emotional infection. Sore and leaking like memories. Draining and weaping this energy. It's lost and losing fluid daily. But the bandages hold no sympathy. So the feet are scarred from wooden splinters. Anxious to get back to where it belongs. And the mind is marred from tantamount thoughts of what's it's done as wrong. But it sits still however it figures patient. It sits up hands against the door. It sits quiet for it rips out it's tongue. Waiting for you to ease this pain with one that will hurt more.

Feeling sorta: somber

Your voice aches from a conflicting depth. Of rewards unjust. Of emotions unkept. Me and you and you and me. I like two tired rowboats on a tumultuous sea. Shrouded by despair for what can't be. But ever waiting so patiently. And I'll wait til the sky falls and the stars along with it. Because you were worth all the light in the universe and I'm in the dark without your face. And I'll wait til the rivers dry up and the mountains collapse. Because you were my pieces and I'm incomplete without your skin. Made new friends with your frustration spiralling out. And because of what I did. And the appearence of new doubt. That sits behind that smile for me. And we're both afraid of what this could be. But I'll claw out my soul if it means to be closer. And I'd sell my innards if it meant being there. I'll wait for an etermity for a minute with you. And love that minute with my very life. For my life is loving you.

Feeling sorta: vibrant

Erratic gravity pulls me down then lets me go. All the pressure sinks in. Has me within inches of the ground. With ready hands and acid washed skin. The words break through the teeth again. Don't know how much longer I could stand holding them in. My throat is dry. My eyes are transfixed. To this train which may derail. To this I'm susceptible to fail. Because we two are in the mix. My chest is open needing another fix. And the coach doors open and should I bail? Choppy breathing and shaking legs. And cold air on my face. My head is swimming. And you're the water. I've taken you to the edge. There's my head and my heart and me in between like a wedge.

Feeling sorta: nervous

All the quiet is all the excitement. Because of you. And desperately wanting to try something new. And having to know me the way that I know you.
And because of the rapture immediate on impact. Soul ignites from physical contact. So skin rises this runs down your back. Given you something new to look at.
All the aniticipation leads up to this. Lay here thinking of all these things I miss. Scoring the insides because of the risks. Doesn't prevent our descent into the abyss.
And I'm spurned by your unrelenting will. And refused by your pride that foots the bill. And your anxious fingers that wouldn't wait until. I was paralyzed by their ability to fill.
All the stars fell tonight. Lies are made of love that I couldn't fight. Can't resist the gravity that feels so right. And cursed the sun for the morning light.

Feeling sorta: surprised

Not averse to this feeling. Peacefully giving in. Been fighting the reeling, that's pulling us under. And the onset of definite sin. But if this snow is hell then let me perish within it. And if your warmth is that firery pit then I'm already already burned. The imprints have been branded into every graphic detail and the wants are now discerned. I'll pull you down if you'll hold tight. And if we've ruined this day then we'll wait for everynight. Nature rages against this window and smooths down your back. There is no deafening silence and it's too late to take this back. This storms eases to soft falling pieces but it refuses to relent and won't die. I'm drowning in you oblivious to the outside. If you weren't wrong was I? Can I still look to you ignoring the sear on my skin? Or will I always imagine those subtle touches and wish for that again. Her eyes are dark and intense and have me dreading the look she'll give. Because yours are soft and have blurred these edges creating this new reason to live. Would you think about it as much as I do? Did it sink in deep? Clouding thoughts and thwarting actions, leaving us in a lethargic heap. Don't know what I deserve only these cravings I have right beneath the skin. Ones for your voice and your body and your thoughts open and drifting in. Am I hellbound? Enveloped in immorality. But enveloped by your beauty with deterrents in my mind as a fallacy. I could live on these thoughts for an eternity. And never support a doubt. I could possess your body perpetually and never look for a way out. If I ever heard the sweeest sound it came from your mouth and a kiss. And if I ever saw the most perfect sight. I was watching you succumb to this. If you lay there completely still maybe the Earth will stop spinning for a while. And I could make it feel like Heaven, seconds like hours and inches like miles. And if you tell me you loved it like I did I would forget about time. And take you there again because we weren't wrong this time.

Feeling sorta: enthralled

Your flaming lips, coming down...around your sharp tongue.
That pierces my heart. And you spit out metallic traces of my blood.
And wrap your poison around my head.
An acidic glove.
Burning fingertips do the trick. And dull fingernails.
Mind to scratch the dried up ducts in my frame.
Run me unrecognizable. But you know it.
Know my name.
I hate knowing you now. Hate my memories.
I can't carve out my endless thoughts of you.
Perpetual hate of all our time.
Hate that my heart still beats for you.
Even as you stab it through.
I don't understand this way of life. Half alive I am.
Your lingering spirit of hands and feet.
Death is defeat and I'm your meat.
But your cruelty is too careful.
Your hands are too neat.
To be rid of such a wonderful gift. My smile and my hope.
I give too freely the things you should've won.
My face is too innocent, beams of the sun.
You need me and you love me some.
You crave my proximity. I'm your loaded gun.
Your .38 calibur under the mattress.
Your lock and stock. Pricking the back of your neck and you're so wired.
The smoking barrells and the shots are fired.
Me so clean mines are tired.
I can't run from you, unless you're my legs.
I can't come for you.
But you come to my bed.
You're only the best thing I've ever known.
You're only the most horrible love I've ever grown.
And love you forever is my destiny.
And never lose you is my misery.
And ever follow you is my fate.
And never leave you for love's sake.

Feeling sorta: drunk

No I don't want to choke. But I can't help it. This is hanging from my neck. Everytime I try to take it off I feel like I can;t breathe. I need it to remind me. But the visions hurt my throat. And I can never swallow again. So you've won. I don't want to bleed. But this is wrapped up in my veins, and I'm just trying to cut it free. I want it off, but I can't be rid of everything so easily. I'm snipping around the important pieces. But everything is always so easily caught up. So now free falling liquid hope. And I can never patch it up. I'm pretty sure you've won. I don't want to lay here sunken in my head. But there is no sleep. The back of my eyelids are a horrid sight. So I can't help but crying when I'm there at night. All the klennex in the world and hands soothing my back. I can't get this off of me. And I can't stop the inevitable. So I'm suffocating it with pillows. But when I take them away it still feels the same. So I know that you've won. I don't want it out there. I wish you didn't know. I wish I had that needle and thread back. I know what I would sew. These wretched lips that spew too much. And these humble eyes filled with too much thought. And looking deeper than they should. And these idiot fingers that obey too much. Adhere to what you say. And my traitor pencil that thinks too much. And pulled me head first into the floor. Writing more than you could ignore.

Feeling sorta: worried

Update bitches!!!!!

So Yeah I'm tired. I'm sleeping as a bitch. Too much work...not enough play. But comes with the territory. Besides I'm starting to think workaholism is bred in my blood. So I'ma stop fighting the feeling. Seriously read this book...unless you're squeamish or weak hearted. Heather Lewis is raw as fuck. But it's the kind of raw that's refreshing and necessary to make her point. Loria sometimes compares my writing to hers. But I'm so sure her writing ability and style are unparalleled. She also has two other books she wrote, before she killed herself in November 2002. I don't so much advocate suicide. I know some of us have felt at the edge...to that point at one time or another....but yeah. Anyway it's a wonderful book. Once again a little raw...so don't say I didn't warn you. I know a lot of shit was trudged through to get it published. And then it still didn't get published until after her passing. But I mean it's like she got the guts to say some things that we've all been thinking but were too afraid to say. Or didn't know way we could say it that wouldn't involve steppiung on someone's toes. Here are some good quotes for ya:

"I'd promised myself. My life may have looked haphazzard and I suppose a lot of it was, but I'd kept this one piece very well ordered....Had tried to make it just about sex.....until the feelings themselves overlapped and tangeld up, impossible to distinguish, or stop, or recover from. These were the feelings that had made it necessary to stop feeling in the first place- to stop all of them. Or at least dull them, blunt them. Find so many ways around them, to never allow them. To keep myself especially far from love, and even farther from being loved because, of the whole lot of them, these were the only two that could actually kill you."

Never were such truer words written. Excepting all of her grammatical errors. It's the good shit.

Nothing much to say, bu some gifts for your eyes.

Okies...it's been a few days....

Alright the weekend. On friday me and my autn decided to skip the grand reopening of Metros. But a bitch like me got paid....so as expected lip rings!!!! I'll post a pic later I swear. They're cool...black.....plastic. Anyway Saturday was the big Mother's Day thing the youth form the church put on. Bought a shirt and wore a skirt. Who's a girly girl? I am.............................. NOT. Then we went home and Dion cooked on the grill. Sunday went to work, then went to Loria's. We chilled rep'ed the block at the corner store like old times. Then when Ryan came home I was forced to smoke a bowl with them...Peer pressure is crazy huh? So we smoked and then we all passed out in the living room while watching Blade Trinity. And trust I love sci-fi action. Regardless of the over-blackness of Wesley Snipes. And I love it all the way when someone kills someone else with a bow and arrow. I love that shit!!!! I be like "...arrow his monkey ass!!!" I was a little weirded out that the person doing the arrowing was the daughter from Dawson's Creek....but you take what you can get. Anyways I left there went home. Called my mom and grandma to wish them a Happy Mother's Day. Talked to my grandma for a while and didn't talk to my mother at all. She hasn't been returning phone calls for the last few weeks. As is her way, to claim that you're being selfish by not calling her. Then turn around and decides you need the exact same treatment....Hypocrite. After the calls I got smash faced off of Bacardi and watched Catwoman. Clifton and his brigade came. So we chilled for a while. Halle Berry as a kitty cat.....mouth waters. Anyway then I called Ty. By she and I are fighting. So we didn't really talk that long. And haven't talked since. Because we both have to much pride to simply call and apologize. No matter how short life is. Monday was supposed to be off....hince getting smash faced Sunday night...but the bitches called at 6:50am begging me to come in. So I stumbled up there around 9. Yep I'm Amy's ass monkey and she knows it. She never calls from McDonalds cause if I see that shiot on the caller id I wouldn't pick up. She always calls from the cellphone. And I never be wanting to talk to her anyway but I always answer even though I still see her name on the caller id. So after work a bitch like me was tired, I drank the rest of the Bacardi and went to be early. I don't think anything at all happened on Tuesday. Today was bullshitty. Tam didn't schedule enough people to work so there was only three of us from 6am until 8am. Struggling..... Then later I told my manager Lori that she did things half assed and was ass backwards. And she happened to be on the phone with our district manager when I said it. So I got sent home early.

P.S. oh and I have a little confession to make.....Please swear you won't tell my aunt. I accidentally set the dumpster on fire, last night. My aunt was like when Dion came home there were hugh flames in the dumster the fire department had to come and put it out and everything. She whole heartedly believes the rowdy guys next door did it as a gag. And I was so afraid to tell her I actually did it on accident.....::stomach churns:: what to do what to do.

It's too much work now to distinguish me from you. So I've stopped trying. I can't tell where your feelings end and mines begin. Where this winding trail will lead us both in the end. We turn ourselves inside out, for each other to see. Then bend over backwards and slit each others throats if the water comes up to our knees. Cause we're so afraid of what this could mean. Only placing our hearts close enough to be seen. Taking steps backward to prevent our fall. Giving little bits of ourselves. But making sure it's not quite all. So I put my life on a retractable leash. And pull it back if ever you bear your teeth. And we're too aware of each others' effect. And too ourselves to give the certain respect. We're running too far away everyday. And pulling our ropes then giving them slack. And holding each other so close, so tightly that we can't breathe. And only letting go when we feel the heart beat receed. Be nearer to me, and be all that I see. You be my skin. And your skin will hold me in.

::yawn::


I'm tired today. I think it's because of the rain. Or maybe my mood. Whatever I woke up and it was raining. And I had slept through my alarm clock. Which is usual for me. So I woke up tried my best to get ready cause of course I was late for work. In and out of the shower. And late for work. And then the day seemed to drag on as slowly as it possibly could. I couldn't believe it!!!! So finally 2 o'clock came and went. But of course I wasn't allowed to go home on time. Finally I got off. But I got a present!!!!! I love presents. Lawrence brought me thois huge cd case full of cds. He said someone out in the apartment complex where he lives was trying to get a few bucks for weed. He flipped through it, relaized it was mainly punk and thoght of me. Brought it to work and was like have at it. So I flipped throuhg and it has some good shit ( NOFX, Something Corporate, Dashboard Confessional), stuff I've heard of but never tried out (Yellowcard, Better Than Ezra), and stuff I haven't heard but am willing to try (Bad Religion). Thank you Lawrence!!!! Anwyay after work. Me and my aunt sat there and had a long talk. My mom called me last night. She's pregnant again. As if the only thing she can so now is open her legs to Alvin. As if all the stuff she'd bitched about and worked so hard to obtain, meant absolutely nothing to her. And then it's not like she's in the ideal situation to sit back and keep reproducing with :cringe:: Alvin. She's selfishly bringing more people into their already fucked up situation. All I could remember was how she used to tell Eric and I that we were big screw ups. Like her mistaken children. And that one day she would have two more and they'd be perfect and good and all that. And they would overshadow us. Well I guess she completed the first phase of her plan. So it's supposed to be a time of congratulations, but I only have my scorn to give her. My brother called her again and asked if he could come home again. And she turned him down. Then he threatened to kill himself. She told him to check in to Riverside and tell them he was suicidal. He declined. So at this very moment I have no idea where my 19 year old brother is. How he is or what he is into. And even if I did I am 9 hours away. I don't know how I will deal with my mother's situation. All I can imagine it will be now is her beggin me to come back and be her live in punchbag, the mat she walks all over and uses until it's worn out. And I remember all the times I did it before and don't want to again....... these create senses of devastation that I can't dispell

My brother [Eric] has lost his mind. And he's trying to take my mother with him. I can't stress over it anymore. I don't have any kids. I knew that my mom would call evenually. I kept telling Ty that I really needed to call her. And she kept telling me to. And I kept putting it of. And Ty asked me today had I called her yet. And I said no. And of course who should call but my mom.
And the drama between her and my brother continues. He got out of prison in October. First Alvin said that he couldn't come there. Then they let him come. And of course he showed his ass. Stole money from Alvin. Had sex with girls in my mother's bed, while my little brother was in the living room. Let said girls steal clothes and shoes from my mom. Well I know that hed been living out in Williamsburg with some girl. She's 24 and has three kids. I've spoken to her a few times. She seems decent. Anyway he was fucking up there. Stopped going to the school my mom got him in, and stopped going to the job she set up for him. So he was out in the country selling drugs, and bumming rides in the girls' moms' car. He called me. Updated me. I did my best to give him a talk that had support as well as the necessary admonishment. He told me about some other girl that he'd been messing with. I told him if he was going to live with the one girl that he needed to respect her. That if he didn't want to be with her, then he needed to tell her. He agreed. But in the end I'm sure most of our coversation went in one of his ears and out of the other. Because when my mom called she said that the girl he'd been living with had one of her baby's daddy's beat his ass to the curb....for real....face bust...all types of shit. So he was obviously kicked out. He called my mom asked to come back there. She let him. But the one condition was that he could be in the house alone. Well she got him another job, but it wa sa third shift gig. So he didn't have anywhere to go during the day. Well Alvin told him he could come to work with him (at the shop) and wait until my mom gets off to go back to the house. He did that the first day then the seond day, he got pissed and went off on mom. He waited untill after Alvin went to work then he snuck in while my mom was in the shower. When she left ramsacked the house, then attempted to steal my mom's van. However he didn't go very far with that, seeing as Alvin had taken the engine out a few weeks prior. The police found it a couple of blocks from the house and called Alvin at work to come and pick it up. When my mom got home Eric comes walking up and my mom asked him if he had anything to say for himself. He didn't or wouldn't, or was too consumed by his pride or selfishness. So she told him to leave and that if he ever came back she would call the police on him. And she means it. And she told me that she's washing her hands clean of him....

Feeling sorta: sympathetic

The days are wearing me thinner now. And swallowing empty dinners now.
Your voice is faded in the dim. And I can't see your face for the pain I'm in.
You won't relive the sear on my flesh. The sleepess nights and wounds that are fresh.
But nothing ever heals.
I'm morose today. I swallowed my pride and it was thick and burning my throat. It almost made me choke. But I did it because I'm desperate. And I hate my desperation more than I love my pride. It makes my stomach queasy. Stifles all thoughts and brings a sense of powerlessness to the surface. And once my hands are down and facing the ground all things hurt pushing it all around. So swallowing my pride was useless and unsettling my my guts. And everytime I get the feeling in my stomach I feel like throwing up. Because I did all of this for you. But you can never see. So I did it all in vain. And none of it was for me. You're in your own world now. One of self mania. And of your own thoughts. And you are forgetting the heart attached to yours. The one I gave you. The one that bleeds constantly now. Because you ripped it out and left it there. And kicking it around whenever you leave. And kicking me in the chest whenever I try to breathe. I want to talk to you so bad. And I can't and it hurts. And my head is filled up with words, and my lips are sewn closed. And this pans out so awkwardly. Because I'm not finished with you. And I don't want this to end this way. I have made such plans. Bawled up in my head. For us and the future. And for all the things we said. For all of the things we're supposed to do. And for the lives we're supposed to lead. And now it's going down the drain. And I'm plumbing out my damaged needs.

Feeling sorta: confused

Don't ever say I never tried. Don't tell me I was consumed by pride.
Don't say where my heart was. Don't tell me where my feelings weren't.
Because I haven't any feelings left. They've all been burnt.
By flames of the unspeakable. And the unspoken rules here.
Because my soul permits no exposure. And makes companions of it's fear.
I'm like your slave, in my laborless way. And I'd do anything you asked. If you wouldn't ask anything today.
Your heart breaks open and it's contents fill the floor.
On into the closet for my rubber boots, to step over and ignore.
But later I'm back. To clean up what hasn't dried.
And give life to your dehydration and liquids that'll seep out your sides.
Taping you together and back to your place on the mantel.
Pulling you down to guide me. Shoving you back when you image reflects betrayal.
Because I love the truth when it strokes my ego.
And I love to know that I'm right. But it's all your fault when the sun dies and sets.
And I blame you for the cool in every night.
And for the moon that shines bitter. And the wind that blows thinner.
And the birds that won't sing. And the phone that won't ring.
Because both our fingers are broken. And our eyes cloud up with rue.
We'd do anything to be talking. But I'll do everything not to talk to you.
I tried with all my might. To not quite try at all.
And laid the traps and was still surprised at the intensity of my fall.
So I'm tearing my heart open. And spilling the contents on the floor.
And waiting for your eyes to grow big with curiosity, then walk over me to ignore.

Feeling sorta: crushed